Podcast: How friends and family unwittingly help to maintain your Emetophobia

Unintentional Enablers:

How Friends and Family Contribute to Emetophobia

A significant other holds a special place in our lives. Whether it's a close friend, partner or family member, they’re often the ones we turn to for support, comfort, and a shoulder to cry on. However, when it comes to emetophobia, these individuals can unintentionally play a collusive role in maintaining the phobia. Their actions, driven by care and concern, may unknowingly reinforce the fear instead of helping you overcome it.

Instead of challenging the unhelpful beliefs of the emetophobic individual, significant others often try to provide immediate relief by soothing their anxiety and making them feel safer. While this may temporarily calm the person down, it inadvertently perpetuates the phobia. Reminding someone that they possess the strength and ability to cope with their fears will do a far better job of reducing the fear in the long-term - they’ve probably never heard anyone say this to them before. By shifting the focus from reassurance to empowerment, significant others can play a vital role in helping their loved ones conquer their fears.

Feelings versus Facts

Remember, with phobias, it’s not the thing itself that’s scary, it’s how you react to it, and you can change your reaction. Just because you’re terrified, doesn’t mean IT’S terrifying - feelings are not facts.

While the emetophobic person may be terrified, it doesn't mean that vomiting itself is inherently terrifying. Helping them examine evidence that challenges their belief can empower them to feel more in control and gradually reduce the intensity of their phobia.

For example, if your loved one runs out of a theatre performance because someone is sick in the back row, instead of saying ‘let’s drive home,’ (escaping the situation), the loved one can gently challenge and say ’you can can cope with this, you can go back in, look - no one else is panicking, they’re all enjoying the performance and you deserve to, as well.’

Changing the Collusive Dynamic

One of the most challenging aspects of overcoming emetophobia is transforming the dynamics within collusive relationships. Often, individuals have been dependant on their significant others for a long time - for emotional support, self-esteem validation, and overall well-being i.e. texting your mum every time you feel anxious. It requires significant, active effort on both parts to change these unhelpful dynamics, but it can be done, and it can be done relatively swiftly.

Talking of parents…while they may not have emetophobia themselves, Rob points out that every single child he’s treated over the past 30-odd years has had a parent with at least one of the components of emetophobia, if not all of them: for example social anxiety, catastrophising, perfectionism. Children learn these behaviours from their parents - just like they learn accents. When a child catastrophises that she’s left the house with toothpaste down her shirt and how embarrassing that is, because mum feels embarrassed herself, she’s not going to challenge the child’s reaction.

We strongly recommend sharing this video with a significant other and having an open discussion about how they can support you - there is no blame involved. If this feels too much, or you think they wouldn’t change their behaviour, you could highlight 5 different areas you need help with and see if they’d support you with them. For example, instead of automatically providing reassurance that the food is cooked thoroughly, the significant other could gently challenge you by asking ‘what do you think? Have you eaten chicken of this colour before? Were you ok?’

Advice for the significant other

Of course, as a significant other it can be stressful seeing your loved one suffer and you want to do what you can to help them, but gently challenging can be enormously beneficial in the long-term. Rob recently saw a client who made immediate improvements as soon as her partner stopped colluding with her.

It’s a fine line though - you don’t want to be too forceful and become visibly stressed yourself i.e. ‘get a grip,’ or ‘you ALWAYS do this.’ You also need to anticipate that your partner/child/loved one may be reactionary, because they’re so used to you colluding with them. Try your hardest to stay calm. It can be helpful for the emetophobia sufferer to give you permission to help, so they feel in control. You can remind them that this is all for their long-term benefit, and life will be so much better once they’ve overcome this.

Conclusion

Recognising the unintentional enabling role played by friends and family can be the missing piece of the puzzle when overcoming emetophobia. As Henry Ford said ‘If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.’ By gently challenging beliefs, focusing on empowerment rather than reassurance and fostering open communication, significant others can become powerful allies in the journey toward conquering emetophobia.