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Desire for control, and locus of control
Rob Kelly on why two people can meet the same difficult situation and come out of it believing completely different things about themselves.
Picture two people facing the same difficult situation. The first thinks: I can handle this, and I will get through it. The second thinks: I cannot cope with this — how do I get out of it?
What happens to the first person
They have a strong sense of their own coping skills, so they feel more powerful, more in control and calmer. They believe they have the resources, and so the situation is not especially stressful.
Having come through it, that belief is stronger than it was. They used their skills, they watched them work, and whatever anxiety they started with has gone down.
What happens to the second person
They feel anxious, and everything goes into escaping. If they cannot escape, they try to control every detail of the situation instead.
Coming out the other side, the belief that they lack the skills is stronger, the anxiety is reinforced, and next time they try harder still to avoid it. This is how avoidance quietly teaches you that you could not have managed.
Why this matters for emetophobia
Both people may start equally anxious. The difference is not the situation, and it is not their character. It is where they believe control sits — and that belief is learned, which is why it can be changed.
Bella Ramsey had this too.
And came out the other side.
“It’s not controlling my life anymore.”
The BAFTA-winning actor — The Worst Witch, Game of Thrones, The Last of Us — was housebound at one point as a teenager, and took travel sickness tablets and antacids to get through a working day on set. They had tried self-help books, CBT and hypnotherapy. None of it worked.
Bella went through this programme, and describes no longer thinking about sickness, no longer being frightened of it, and no longer letting it decide what they can and can’t do. They talk about all of it, openly, in their own words.
Listen to the episode →
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